The Charade

My Love has gone, he left no trace
Still my heart sings his praise

I miss those days, he was my strength
I long for him, he stays at length

I want to die, I wait for death
It’s pain that urges me to hold my breath

World preaches me hope, it dismisses my doubts
It knows no nothing, it’s attempts are botched

It hope that wakes me up and say
Your love will come so don’t be sway

A vow he makes before we part
It holds my nerves, stops my heart

My hands are cuffed by vow he took
He thinks I’m fine, I’m ailed to nook

I pray to YOU if you have ears
I’m sick of life so end my ears

If life is long then send him back
I’m ready to pave this new straight track

His presence in life that too as friend
Will boost my valor, increase my strength

Amen I say, I end this rhyme
Send him back, my Lord, it’s time!

These words are no ordinary words… They came straight from heart… Love is possible… You may laugh on it but I loved him… Truly, Madly, Deeply… How can I narrate the tale of my gone love… Its traditional as every gay tale yet new… Innovations… I salute you, You-Know-Who, for being such a good actor… For being such an awesome player… For being such a good manipulator. You know what I am talking about… You know what I have been saying to this world… I want world to know about you… Sometimes I think that I am pathetic… I kept the vow that you took. I kept the promise that I made with myself… I tried to change who I was… I am gay! I am GAY! I went straight because that was end of road for me…

BUT you don’t want to know me… A worst possible thing that one can say… I envy you… I envy you for being so straight forward… I envy you for being so imperious because when I sat besides you for the last time, I was still feeling the same ting of love in myself… I hate myself for loving you… I hate myself for letting you deep into my soul… into my body… into my heart. That was just my love! And what this love is? A pathetic feeling, You-Know-Who? A state of mind… What else? You fall in love with every second guy you happen to come across… Why didn’t I feel that when we chatted first? Can someone miss you for the whole night in the first chat? Can someone love you “like crazy” just in a day? Infatuation… I am not new in this love saga… I loved people before you but I never loved anyone like I loved you. Just that sometimes it becomes very unbelievable that whatever you said was a mere lie! But, You-Know-Who, whatever I said was not lie… It came straight from my heart…

Why I wasted my precious poetry on you? Oh yeah! I am not allowed to send you my ‘crap’… Well, then you went straight… This is one thing… I went straight too… I was lying to myself… I was trying to get you within my reach but that day… Everything went dark… I can still see your feet in my imagination with your middle toe bent… I can still feel the same gleam of moon in which you were shimmering… Yes, I still remember that one guy who looked decent enough that you took him to your home is cheap… That cheap bastard went cheap in your love… That cheap bastard believed in all sham and phony things that you kept telling him… I cursed you, You-Know-Who. It came like revelation… That a plague shall consume you… And why shouldn’t I have cursed you? Remember? I gave you two of my best books… I know you have lost The God of Small Things… The God of Small Things like myself shall give ear to me someday…

The insult that you did that day has drained my senses… I am not ready to trust anyone… Including myself… Because it was me who first believed in you… Maybe I was desperate for love… The pickup lines like Janu, my oxygen, my precious took me to cloud nine. I wasn’t precious… I was just another guy with nice smooth ass that you wanted to bang but this cursed bastard loved you with all his heart… And I was never happy with you because I never felt the same amount of love emanating from you… One day I told you that love emanates from you… It was just because of wild imagination. A mirage, maybe… I drained my pain on the piece of paper… I promised myself that I won’t ever bug you… But today… everything went bad… I saw you searching for dirty hookups… You are flirt… Thats what you are! It was just my love that made me think otherwise… How can you shed crocodile tears? How can one even think about tears that are fake… But you were an amazing actor…

And I wrote the best of my mind… Everyday… Do you know that after March 14th I never went to the neighborhood where you live? Even at times, I had to give written explanation to my boss. At times, I had to stand in shame in front of my family… Even I had to listen from my aunt that I no longer love her. And she was right because I loved you… I met few people after you… Well, I cried in front of them like a baby… I told them that I am a loser… I tried to kill myself… I went to hospital because my heart was not ready to accept that you never loved me. All you said was phony… Then why should I waste my life on you? Why should I spare my love for you when it doesn’t belong to you? Why should I give you my thoughts when you don’t deserve them? I still remember when you returned back to my car… I still remember that you DENIED to sit in my car even for once… I still remember that you told me that whenever we met, my aroma stayed with you… But I was never important for you. Your Mock-Sessions, British Parliamentary Style Debates, Environmental Club, Garden Parties, Friends and their Get-To-Gathers, Schoolies etc etc always took precedence over me… Whenever we met, you treated me as if you are burying me under the pile of your favors but still I kept myself in oblivion… It was nothing but clear sign that you wanted to get rid of me… The drama that you did along with your friend… It was all preplanned. He too was fag because no gay can take straight friends on their gay dates… That fag with whom you went to see people in his red car… And then I believed you again though I knew that nothing was adding up… I believed you because I loved you… I called on Radio Stations because I wanted you to listen to me… I never ever pointed out any deformity in you… Even when I was used to smell the worst ever thing… Then perfumes amuses you… Expensive ones… Original ones… Yeah, you are great! Yeah, you are capable of achieving all what you desire… You are capable of getting good GPA. You are capable of being president of every society of your college. You are capable of being most popular guy in your college but you are not capable of being loved. You shall never be loved, You-Know-Who… I curse you with all my heart that may God snatches EVERY love from your life… This is a bad thing that I am cursing you but I feel happy because my love was extreme and so is my hatred today…

I still remember seeing you in dreams… The recent dream I saw was very haunting. I saw you in Blue Area in my dream and I bumped into you… I wanted to avoid you because I never want you to “kill” yourself… Then you came to me… I can still feel you close to me… You came to me and said that you were sorry… O my! SORRY! I said as loud as I could that I won’t forgive you ever! Then you repeated what you said on that cold night… “I don’t want to know you… I don’t like you anymore… When I left you, I still loved you but now… I don’t even want to know you… The one person who looked decent enough that I took him to my home was the cheapest ever that I met… DON’T TOUCH ME! Go Away… Even if you die, it wouldn’t matter to me… I won’t sit in your car… I won’t hug you!!! Just go!!! If you ever come near to my home then I swear on my head that I will kill myself…” So many other things… Then your friend came in his red car… He ignored me then you beckoned him to greet me… I didn’t shake hands… I went away… FAR away…

Then when you told me clearly that you won’t come to my engagement, I called it off… I became a laughingstock in my family… I saw myself in worst crisis… Remember? I promised you that I will name my son after you… Just few moments ago, I was holding on this promise… But now… I am sure that I will not get married… And if you would get married… You will be having the same problems… I pray, I curse…


One thought on “The Charade

  1. You-Know-Who says:

    Even though you never truly understand but be merry, your curses do work. I am doomed, i ruined myself and i do that everyday. And yes i don’t ruin myself because it makes you happy, it was always about me as you used to say. It’s all about me still, i deserve to be hated and loathed and i deserve to be left alone in life.

    And you tell me to make up, I’ve got a good job and a GPA. LOL because one needs a motivation do move forward, i don’t have any anymore and i don’t wish to have any. BE merry my friend, for whatever way you think i ‘played with you’ (which God really knows i never wanted to), i have been punished and i humbly accept it because i have no otherwise either, i’m just passing my days to death.

    And be merry, because i think that day will come soon and my doom might just be the most dreadful to witness, be merry

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